![]() The JOEs better get to work fast on a remedy for this, ‘cuz if spaghetti sauce can stop a multi-million dollar suit from functionality, there’s no telling what damage their KY jelly will do. And they seem impervious, save for one thing: Marinara. ![]() They all wear them and they cost millions of dollars. Maybe now we can get universal health-care. So, America has a foreigner for a President. – The President of the United States is played by British actor, Jonathan Price, who makes no attempt to hide the fact that he is British. And thus, the resounding theme of the project seems to have been, ‘Logistics And Physics Are For Pussies!-Just Do It!’. When a movie becomes this free of cognitive narrative, the probability of ‘all-things-are-possible’ becomes guaranteed and JOE is no exception. The level of sheer What-The-Fuckery? in this film is off the god damn charts. But Stephen Sommers, that crazy little sack of film-making shit that he is, still managed to surprise me. Now, it could be the fact that I have not watched the show, or that they simply decided to make the film version even more offensive, but I did not expect the level of racist and misogynistic tones to be so high ON TOP of all that other bullshit. And I expected nothing less (though I should have) from the first live adaptation of the almost 50 year-old toy line. Of course, now that I am a little bit older and a little bit dumber, I take a sick sort of pleasure in escaping from my rational thoughtful life in watching films that feature just as much (if not more) nationalism, patriotism, pro-war and military propaganda as the original JOE cartoon. I knew that in real life, you sign the line, you’re gonna fucking DIE. They couldn’t fool me with their American pride and bloodless warmongering. Because, even back then, I knew the military was for assholes and stupid people. Much like TRANSFORMERS, it was impossible for this film to ‘rape’ my childhood, as I didn’t watch the cartoon, read the comics, or play with the toys. BUT! They hate humanity and use our special effects and SCIENCE to battle all rational thought, and so, must be stopped. This co-ed force of combined world operatives use SCIENCE and RUBBER to combat those who strive to make even less sense: the evil organization that does not yet have a name. Enter, the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, or Assgoblins for short. And even then, no one will be able to understand just what the fuck is going on. The world will be ridden with computer graphics and day-to-day activities will be rendered nigh impossible to comprehend without insane leaps in illogical scientific gobble-dee-gook. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009): Breakdown by RantboĪ squad of models sport magical gimp suits to battle a dominatrix and a pre-Labor Day Ninja, in a live adaptation of TEAM AMERICA.
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